I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
