so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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