wakey wakey hands off snakey
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
