I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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