i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
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