Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
