Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
