that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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