I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
