i wish there were pregnant emoticons
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
