But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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