I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
