are you still at the devil's house?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
