now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
