allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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