**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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