its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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