i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
