i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
