Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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