I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
