the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
