After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
