i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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