I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
