hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
