you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
it's like heaven, but drunker
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
