Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
