the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
