birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
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