How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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