Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
