The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
