oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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