There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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