well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
