seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize