My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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