Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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