im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
