Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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