i just made my gag reflex go away.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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