Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
