he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
