Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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