Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Blood and glitter go together right?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Randomize
