My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
