That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I understand Curling. That high.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
