She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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