I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
