Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
