I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
