Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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